Two Years In......
When I think back to this time two years ago it seems like yesterday but on the other hand it seems like a lifetime ago that Ben was beside me, where he should be. The raw exposed grief so horrendously painful searing through me and leaving no part of my life untouched. Encompassing me, ripping through me. These feelings still present just under the surface even after over 24 months.
Anniversaries are so very hard and the anticipation and expectations of the day just hideous. But I often find it is the random unexpected days which floor me and totally put me back into the eye of the storm.
Grief I am coming to understand is certainly not something that goes away with time, it is something you have to learn to live with and accept in your life. It is like the sea sometimes calm, reflective and peaceful. In the blink of an eye waves building and then crashing around and over you. Bringing you to you knees. Always present, always there, consistent and knowing.
The feelings of unfairness, worry, lack of control, overwhelm, uncertainty, the adjectives are endless and new ones come to mind all the time, often threatening to drown me. But on I go, day in day out regardless of the turmoil going on inside my head.
I have learnt the importance of reflection over the past two years looking back and acknowledging what we have overcome and achieved. We have been through so much and I am so very proud of our girls. It really doesn’t seem enough saying I am proud of them.... they inspire me to better myself, they teach me everyday and through them Ben lives on in their expressions, mannerism, the things they do and how they look. He lives on in the stories and memories we share with each other. They are amazing.
I have learnt to cope and survive in ways I didn’t think I was capable of. People say I am strong, I have had no choice but to be strong. I have no other option. Ben would have expected nothing less. He would expect me and in turn our girls to be living a fulfilling and flourishing life.
I miss Ben more than I thought was possible, there is always something lacking in everything I do, every time I wake in the morning I have to remember all over again that Ben is dead. But wake to a new day I do with the knowledge that this too will pass.